Watching Cigarettes and Smoking Captain Kangaroo

Still waiting for the Captain to kick in.

Most Assuredly No, I Mean Yes, I Mean No

What is the truth but a hurdle between myself and my orange chicken? I often use the preceding question when beginning oral argument before a court of apples. Because most of the time, the truth is in the facts, but that is not where the obscurity lies. And I don't mean to make a liar of obscurity, but I will not sit back and watch this country be stolen block by block by roving gardeners, maids, and bus boys.

You see, immigration policy is a the hurdle between myself and my orange chicken and the MSG represents law enforcement who look the other way as quesadillas and camarones come crashing our border.

As a lobbyist (yes, Chillin Billin & Villain are registered K Street lobbyists), I represent Blackwater Intl., the mercenaries and Christian brethren. I am now in the throes of writing a largely persuasive case to congress about why the Second Amendment, not only courages, but by god, it demands that we defend our borders before aliens attempt to steal our manifest destiny-ness. You'll be grateful when your streets are crowded with armed militia-men who operate in as an extra (super) constitutional army.

Real American Heroes

I am a one of the more well-respected First Amendment scholars in the world. I didn't become partner simply because I have a rich daddy who paid for me to go to Harvard Law.

In my professional opinion, what Barack Hussein (even though he claims to be christian) Osama Obama's pastor Reverend Wright spouts from the pulpit is worthy of several years hard labor. His idiotic and anti-American tirades are just not white enough. Here is a sampling of the type constitutionally permissible religious rhetoric that will help this country to remain the super-power that god and Jesus want it to be:

And,

And,

And,


Now that's what I call some good ole patriotic reasoning we need to rely on. Those are some wise white preachers that have had the ear of many US presidents including the current shrub in office. That is why this holy country is bound for glory.

Fuck That

I noticed some grammatical errors in my last post(s). Fuck you if you think I proofread. And fuck you further if you think I'm gonna go back and fix that shit. Eta a Dikc.

Pills and cigarettes

I am on a wonder drug, associates.

Apparently this shit has been around for decades, though at first it was only marketed to the anxious parents of anxious teenagers. Unfortunately some of the teenagers committed suicide. On the other hand, this led to the aforementioned parents filing wrongful death suits against our clients, creating more work for you, dearest associates.

Also fortunately, the FDA didn't pull the drug from the market. It only restricted it to adults. And in further studies on adults, patients found that the drug caused them to lose interest in smoking cigarettes.

And from the first couple days of taking these pills, associates, I can tell you that they work. Smoking a cigarette now reminds me of drinking reclaimed water from the drinking fountain at a public school. Other pleasant side effects include increased interest in sexual activity, greater attention span, and happier affect overall. I continue to smoke them, but that's beside the point.

The point is, drugs are awesome. Although we will likely never find a drug that is more awesome than nicotine (especially taking into account added revenue to the legal industry), this one comes very close.

UPDATE: Apparently the drug also increases the risk of seizure, especially if it's combined with alcohol. Sooner or later this hypothesis will be tested.

Thrillin to Chillin

There is nothing more thrilling to me than watching the "Obamamanias" being done in by that left wing pastor from Chicago. At one point, Chillin Billin & Villain were considering opening up an office in Chicago, but when I found out that somewhere on the south side of that city there was a pastor who apparently thinks that the USA's empirialistic posturing and oil grabs somehow led to 9/11 or that the US government invented candy to keep hispanic children obese and as a result, incapable of doing menial labor like picking lettuce cuz there darn knees can't support their fat bodies without aching, well, that was the last straw. The windy city can blow me.

The Ends Justify The Jesus

While there is little doubt that the Jews control access to courts in America, the average non-Jew has little to fear so long as they are represented by Jesus H. Christ, Esq.

Following a devastating loss before the Sanhedrin, the then Jesus of Nazareth, rose from the dead and swore to protect all men from the indignation heaped upon them by the people of the book. Christ was a founding partner at Chillin Billin & Villain, but his glorious attitudes and so-called morality made him an instant outcast once the money really started rolling in.Following his short lived experience at Chillin Billin & Villain, Christ swore to re-double his efforts at helping the innocent and poor.

Some of Christ's current clients include several prominent celebrities including George W. Bush, Evander Holyfield, and several American Gladiators.

While Christ is no longer a partner at Chillin Billin & Villain, we wish him the best of luck in his new endeavors.