Pills and cigarettes

I am on a wonder drug, associates.

Apparently this shit has been around for decades, though at first it was only marketed to the anxious parents of anxious teenagers. Unfortunately some of the teenagers committed suicide. On the other hand, this led to the aforementioned parents filing wrongful death suits against our clients, creating more work for you, dearest associates.

Also fortunately, the FDA didn't pull the drug from the market. It only restricted it to adults. And in further studies on adults, patients found that the drug caused them to lose interest in smoking cigarettes.

And from the first couple days of taking these pills, associates, I can tell you that they work. Smoking a cigarette now reminds me of drinking reclaimed water from the drinking fountain at a public school. Other pleasant side effects include increased interest in sexual activity, greater attention span, and happier affect overall. I continue to smoke them, but that's beside the point.

The point is, drugs are awesome. Although we will likely never find a drug that is more awesome than nicotine (especially taking into account added revenue to the legal industry), this one comes very close.

UPDATE: Apparently the drug also increases the risk of seizure, especially if it's combined with alcohol. Sooner or later this hypothesis will be tested.