Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Fuck That
I noticed some grammatical errors in my last post(s). Fuck you if you think I proofread. And fuck you further if you think I'm gonna go back and fix that shit. Eta a Dikc.
Pills and cigarettes
I am on a wonder drug, associates.
Apparently this shit has been around for decades, though at first it was only marketed to the anxious parents of anxious teenagers. Unfortunately some of the teenagers committed suicide. On the other hand, this led to the aforementioned parents filing wrongful death suits against our clients, creating more work for you, dearest associates.
Also fortunately, the FDA didn't pull the drug from the market. It only restricted it to adults. And in further studies on adults, patients found that the drug caused them to lose interest in smoking cigarettes.
And from the first couple days of taking these pills, associates, I can tell you that they work. Smoking a cigarette now reminds me of drinking reclaimed water from the drinking fountain at a public school. Other pleasant side effects include increased interest in sexual activity, greater attention span, and happier affect overall. I continue to smoke them, but that's beside the point.
The point is, drugs are awesome. Although we will likely never find a drug that is more awesome than nicotine (especially taking into account added revenue to the legal industry), this one comes very close.
UPDATE: Apparently the drug also increases the risk of seizure, especially if it's combined with alcohol. Sooner or later this hypothesis will be tested.
Apparently this shit has been around for decades, though at first it was only marketed to the anxious parents of anxious teenagers. Unfortunately some of the teenagers committed suicide. On the other hand, this led to the aforementioned parents filing wrongful death suits against our clients, creating more work for you, dearest associates.
Also fortunately, the FDA didn't pull the drug from the market. It only restricted it to adults. And in further studies on adults, patients found that the drug caused them to lose interest in smoking cigarettes.
And from the first couple days of taking these pills, associates, I can tell you that they work. Smoking a cigarette now reminds me of drinking reclaimed water from the drinking fountain at a public school. Other pleasant side effects include increased interest in sexual activity, greater attention span, and happier affect overall. I continue to smoke them, but that's beside the point.
The point is, drugs are awesome. Although we will likely never find a drug that is more awesome than nicotine (especially taking into account added revenue to the legal industry), this one comes very close.
UPDATE: Apparently the drug also increases the risk of seizure, especially if it's combined with alcohol. Sooner or later this hypothesis will be tested.
Thrillin to Chillin
There is nothing more thrilling to me than watching the "Obamamanias" being done in by that left wing pastor from Chicago. At one point, Chillin Billin & Villain were considering opening up an office in Chicago, but when I found out that somewhere on the south side of that city there was a pastor who apparently thinks that the USA's empirialistic posturing and oil grabs somehow led to 9/11 or that the US government invented candy to keep hispanic children obese and as a result, incapable of doing menial labor like picking lettuce cuz there darn knees can't support their fat bodies without aching, well, that was the last straw. The windy city can blow me.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
The Ends Justify The Jesus
While there is little doubt that the Jews control access to courts in America, the average non-Jew has little to fear so long as they are represented by Jesus H. Christ, Esq.
Following a devastating loss before the Sanhedrin, the then Jesus of Nazareth, rose from the dead and swore to protect all men from the indignation heaped upon them by the people of the book. Christ was a founding partner at Chillin Billin & Villain, but his glorious attitudes and so-called morality made him an instant outcast once the money really started rolling in.Following his short lived experience at Chillin Billin & Villain, Christ swore to re-double his efforts at helping the innocent and poor.
Some of Christ's current clients include several prominent celebrities including George W. Bush, Evander Holyfield, and several American Gladiators.
While Christ is no longer a partner at Chillin Billin & Villain, we wish him the best of luck in his new endeavors.
Following a devastating loss before the Sanhedrin, the then Jesus of Nazareth, rose from the dead and swore to protect all men from the indignation heaped upon them by the people of the book. Christ was a founding partner at Chillin Billin & Villain, but his glorious attitudes and so-called morality made him an instant outcast once the money really started rolling in.Following his short lived experience at Chillin Billin & Villain, Christ swore to re-double his efforts at helping the innocent and poor.
Some of Christ's current clients include several prominent celebrities including George W. Bush, Evander Holyfield, and several American Gladiators.
While Christ is no longer a partner at Chillin Billin & Villain, we wish him the best of luck in his new endeavors.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Success
Many people become lawyers to gain power over others. Most fail at this very simple task because they cannot cope with the soul-crushing guilt that comes with oppressing the innocent people who cross their paths.
For the few of us who have overcome this guilt, the pathway to unimaginable riches, glorification, immortality, and unlimited lithe young ass has been revealed.
One well-known method for ridding ourselves of guilt is by getting saved by Jesus. On an autobiographical note, I was saved by Jesus at the tender age of 12 and I've been taking advantage of people guilt-free ever since. I know that no matter how royally I screw someone over, it's okay because Jesus loves me more than them anyway.
The firm often has to reject female (and sometimes male) associates who apply for partnership. For the girls, most of the time it's because of the risk that they'll wind up pregnant, but the rest of the time it's because they won't sleep with us. For the guys, it's usually because they have displayed a conscience. When these poor saps come to me with lumps of tears in their throats I have to tell them that if they had only accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal savior, they might have had a future at the firm. Alas, for some it's too late.
So the moral of the story is, get saved before it's too late. And as a side benefit you can get a free PS3!
For the few of us who have overcome this guilt, the pathway to unimaginable riches, glorification, immortality, and unlimited lithe young ass has been revealed.
One well-known method for ridding ourselves of guilt is by getting saved by Jesus. On an autobiographical note, I was saved by Jesus at the tender age of 12 and I've been taking advantage of people guilt-free ever since. I know that no matter how royally I screw someone over, it's okay because Jesus loves me more than them anyway.
The firm often has to reject female (and sometimes male) associates who apply for partnership. For the girls, most of the time it's because of the risk that they'll wind up pregnant, but the rest of the time it's because they won't sleep with us. For the guys, it's usually because they have displayed a conscience. When these poor saps come to me with lumps of tears in their throats I have to tell them that if they had only accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as their personal savior, they might have had a future at the firm. Alas, for some it's too late.
So the moral of the story is, get saved before it's too late. And as a side benefit you can get a free PS3!
4 Hour Work Week
Long live the 4 hour work week!
Associates, back to work. You need to bill at least 20 hours today.
Associates, back to work. You need to bill at least 20 hours today.
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